communication

I was reminded that yesterday marked a year since my young friend Derek went to spend eternity with his Savior. A whole year has passed and still I expect to see him come through the door again. It seemed that perhaps a reminder was in order, so I’m re-posting my thoughts from that day. I hope you’ll forgive a sentimental old man.

Memorial Day

“I wish I could have seen Strider again, Grandpa.” The precocious five year old stands in front of me with a pensive look on his face. His mom, like her mother and father before her, wants her children to face the truth, so he has not been lied to. Our family dog was his friend, the beneficiary of frequent trips to the treat bag by this youngster, and also an eager participant in numerous games of fetch with the child. I remind my grandson that we just won’t be able to see Strider again and he is satisfied.

I am not.

It was not my intention to broach the subject again, but as often happens, other events have brought the conversation to mind once more. I told a friend a couple of nights ago, that I was done with the “dark” subjects that have been the focus of my writing on numerous occasions, and seemingly more frequent of late. I have attempted to move to lighter subjects and still intend to keep my daily rumination moving in that general direction.

Just not tonight.

Friday afternoon found the music store a beehive of activity. It seemed that the floodgates had opened and customers were almost compelled to pile into the place. In the middle of that flurry of busy-ness, he came in. The young man had been a frequent visitor for the last number of years, usually just coming in to check out the stock and see what was new. If he found something that caught his fancy, we would start a conversation; first about the “real” price of the item, then about the possibility of making a trade. If I was lucky, he would find time during his visit to sit and play a guitar for a little while. For his age, the boy was one of the finest guitarists I have known, employing some advanced techniques which many seasoned players would love to master. He didn’t have them all perfected, but he was well on his way.

This was one of our lucky days and he sat and played a few moments as he waited for me, drawing the attention of others in the store, as he always did.

I had just traded for some items he wanted, which he brought over to me when I got a free minute. He had no money to spend, but there were other items he could bring in to trade. He asked me to hold the ones he wanted and promised to return soon with his trades, which he did within a short time. We talked about business and almost nothing else. Our transaction concluded, we shook hands and he promised to come back.

He never will.

I got word on Saturday night that yet another family had lost their son. I don’t know all the details of his death, but I do know that he was far too young. I wasn’t finished with our friendship yet. There were things I would like to say to him. Like my grandson with the family dog, I wish I could have seen him one more time. If only I had known it would be our last time, I would have talked about something else besides the power rating of the amplifier and the battery life of the microphone.

God’s timing is perfect, but mine definitely is not.

As I write this, Memorial Day is upon us. It’s a day for remembering and honoring those who have gone to their reward. We mostly think about it in terms of our military men and women, but many families take the opportunity to remember those absent from their number, whether military or not. From where I’m standing tonight, it seems a good day to think also about the living and to consider carefully what we say in our conversations with them. That next visit may never come; the opportunity to say those words in our hearts may never present itself again.

It’s just a suggestion from a saddened and not-so-very-wise man, but today would be a great day to say those important words and to show the people you love that you really do (love them, that is).

Then again, maybe that should be every day.

Carpe Diem.

“I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore that I can do, or any kindness I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”
(Stephen Grellet~French Quaker missionary to the United States~1773-1855)

“Be very careful then how you live, not as unwise – but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.”
(Ephesians 5:15,16)

“Inside voice, sweetheart.” The gentle reminder from her mom motivates a reiteration of the phrase just uttered by the tyke at ear-shattering volume, this time at a level commensurate with our ability to understand what has been said. The little one is one-fourth of a quartet of rambunctious kids who love rowdy action and nearly constant conversation. Her problem is that she doesn’t have the strength to instill her will with physical prowess, as do some of them. The Good Lord has blessed her, however, with strong lungs and a voice that can be heard above the normal din. She has learned to use her talent. Now her parents are laboring together to help her work on controlling it. It is a lesson we could all stand to learn.

I am, right now, in what might be called a time of epiphany; a season of discovery and eye-opening revelations. They shouldn’t be so astounding; these are lessons I have studied before. I am simply seeing an exhibition of how communication should have been working throughout my life, and might have been, had I been paying attention. At my age, I now gather new ideas a slice at a time, rather than seeing the whole pie, and I’m sure I should remember more, but a helpful seminar at the local university just one week ago (thanks to SIFE at JBU) has started the gears to turning once again. It is slow work and more grease is needed. I did learn this one thing though; Communication is not about talking as much as it is about listening. From a business perspective, I want to sell a product (that’s talking). But, if I want to reach the socially connected denizen of this culture, I will have to listen first to find out what they are interested in and to see if what I have to offer is relevant to them. It’s a radical concept to this old-timer.

What I am discovering, as I wander through this epiphanal landscape, oohing and aahing over each new vista that opens up, is that the precept of listening to communicate did not originate in the field of sales, nor is it a new principle in any way. It has always been true. It’s just that bumbling oafs, such as myself, have traditionally assumed that superior intellect and higher volume will always silence the opposition. The concept of superior intellect is present in my own mind only, you understand. The higher volume component? That one is universally accepted as one of my modi operandi (yeah, I had to look it up too, to be sure of the plural form). I, like the aforementioned little princess, understand that superior firepower will almost always silence the battlefield. The problem with my method is that silence doesn’t mean I’ve convinced anyone. It just means that they’re not engaged in the conversation anymore.

The whole process has led me to think about this social media phenomenon a bit further. I am astounded and dismayed by the growing rift I see between people with divergent opinions. I am also concerned by how quickly a firestorm can get started and can grow out of control. It seems that the same media which spawns viral information that can grow into concern and action (e.g. the current KONY 2012 campaign, viewed by almost four million people in two weeks), can also pit friend against friend as the volume is raised to a fever pitch in arguments about political or social issues (the recent Rush Limbaugh debacle springs to mind). If we do not understand the power of our words and the strength of our reactions, we risk, not merely ostracizing our close friends and acquaintances, but, engendering larger disasters which may be waiting to occur. Many hail the success of social media in ending the reign of terror in the Middle Eastern region in recent months. I’m not sure that the media didn’t actually short circuit the time-honored process of negotiation and compromise, instead trading the peaceful (but slower) transition to a stable solution for a violent and unstable speedy conclusion, which promises to beget more conflict without a genuine resolution for the foreseeable future. I don’t insist on that reading of the process, but am fearful that it may be so.

This wasn’t intended to be a political diatribe, but as you know, I do follow the rabbit into whichever hole it disappears, frequently. My brain is still spinning with the truths which have quite possibly been evident for many years to most of you. As I’ve said before (ad nauseum), I am a slow learner. You may have to wait for me a moment or two while I catch up. I resolve to listen more. I will attempt to talk less. The grey matter will, no doubt, continue to sift through the rubble and hopefully, the action that ensues will be rational and constructive. Time will tell.

Some of you may have noticed that there are not always comments made at the bottom of these posts. I try to listen intently to the ones I receive in other media, as well as to you who have approached me in person. Still, I do want to hear from you any time you are inclined to contribute. To me, your voice is (and always will be) a vital part of the conversation.

The comment box awaits. Please, use your inside voice…

“Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far.”
(West African proverb~popularized by Theodore Roosevelt~26th President of the U.S.A.~1858-1919)

“A gentle answer turns away wrath. But, harsh words stir up anger.”
(Proverbs 15:1)

He's Taken Leave

Random wanderings with Paul Phillips

Memorial Day, Again

Inside Voices