Equilibrium

Lost.

I left her in the passenger seat of the car.  I was only gone two minutes—perhaps three.  How could I lose her so fast?

What will I do without her?

“I’ll only be a minute,” were my last words to her.  No I love you; not even a kiss on the cheek.

The world spun.  Really. 

Off-kilter, out of control.  Panic.

“Here I am.”  The words came from the back seat.  She had only moved to leave the front seat empty for my sister, whom we would pick up at the next stop.

I passed it off as nothing, but the feeling of loss persisted.  I didn’t let her see the tears.  Well, maybe she saw them.  She was kind enough to not bring them up when she gently teased as my sister heard about the little episode.

The tears have clouded my sight off and on for the last couple of weeks, much like the rain which has been falling around me for about as long.  It’s almost as if God is crying in sympathy.

I know that’s not how it works. 

It’s just how it feels sometimes.

Some folks don’t think God cries at all.  But, I’m not sure it makes sense to assume the things our Savior did while on earth would cease just because He isn’t walking among us in a human body anymore.

He wept.  It means He cried real tears, trails running down His cheeks, as He felt the pain and sadness of loss and sympathy.  His eyes got red and His nose ran.  His voice broke as He talked.

This man-who-was-God-Who-was-man demonstrated the standard even before the apostle who followed Him wrote the words:  Weep with those who weep. (Romans 12:15)

I suppose it seems a little over the top for me to be so upset by such a minor thing as getting into the car and finding the Lovely Lady not where I expected her.  Perhaps, it is.

But, we were headed to visit one close to us who really is in the process of losing the one he’s spent his life with.  The tiny vignette offered me in that split second brought the reality they are facing into focus.

In that moment, the emotions I felt—confusion, fear, loss—helped me to understand what others around me are experiencing and what is spilling over into my spirit.

Last week, I was reminded of the time, a decade ago, when I was out of control.  A friend had missed a rehearsal and was asked what had kept him away.  It only took one word.

Vertigo. 

That was the cause of his absence.  Just hearing the name is a trigger—a thought that brings with it really bad memories.  I never want to go through that again.

Dizziness so bad, the world spun whenever my eyes were open.  Nausea that wouldn’t stop.  Unable to even walk, I had to be led, leaning on anyone who would help.

Complete helplessness and inability to function on my own.

Funny.  Today my world is spinning again.  No.  I mean spinning, as in not stable.

I’m aware of the basics of how our planet functions, rotating on its axis and revolving around the sun.  That’s not what I mean.  The world I’m referring to is my world—the place where I walk, and sleep, and love.

On that occasion, ten years past, when I was struck with very real vertigo, my doctor told me it was all in my head.  Oh, he was sympathetic.  But, he knew things weren’t really spinning around me as it seemed.  A malfunction in my inner ear was the problem, not the world around me.

“I’ll give you some medication.  It will make your brain think everything is fine.  That’s what you need.”

The medicine would give me some much-needed equilibrium, a sense of balance, until my inner ear righted itself.

It didn’t fix anything.  It just made me think everything was right with the world.

I don’t need medicine like that right now.

I need to see the world as it is—as its Creator sees it.  Through His eyes.  With His heart.

I know He promised He would never leave us.  He won’t.  In the middle of the darkest night, if we call Him, He is there.

In the light of day, He pours out His love.  In the endless nights, He puts His song in our souls.  (Psalm 42:8)

In the light of day, He pours out His love. In the endless nights, He puts His song in our souls. Equilibrium. Click To Tweet

When we need it, there is a strong arm to lean on.  Maybe two, if we need both of them.

I’m leaning.  And tears are still falling.

Many I know are in the grip of vertigo right now.

Maybe we could all lean together while we weep.

They’re really strong arms.

Strong arms attached to One who knows what it is to weep.

 

 

As the deer longs for streams of water,
    so I long for you, O God.
I thirst for God, the living God.
    When can I go and stand before him?
Day and night I have only tears for food,
    while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
    “Where is this God of yours?”

My heart is breaking
    as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
    leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
    amid the sound of a great celebration!

Why am I discouraged?
    Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
    I will praise him again—
    my Savior and my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged,
    but I will remember you—
even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,
    from the land of Mount Mizar.
I hear the tumult of the raging seas
    as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
    and through each night I sing his songs,
    praying to God who gives me life.

“O God my rock,” I cry,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
    oppressed by my enemies?”
Their taunts break my bones.
    They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”

Why am I discouraged?
    Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
    I will praise him again—
    my Savior and my God!
(Psalm 42 ~ NLT ~ Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.)

 

 

 

© Paul Phillips. He’s Taken Leave. 2018. All Rights Reserved.

Good News. Bad News.

Rejoice with those who rejoice.

As I sat not writing at my keyboard a couple of nights ago, I received the message.  The young man at the other end had just received good news.  He had to tell someone.

It didn’t matter that it was after midnight.  A light had blazed into his darkness and he needed to share the wonder.

I read the words and, even though I couldn’t actually see him, saw the smile that had spread across his face.

I messaged him back.  I‘m smiling with you.

I’m smiling as I think about his news, even now.

Good news shared is a blessing doubled.

Good news shared is a blessing doubled. Rejoice with those who rejoice. Click To Tweet

I always want to rejoice with folks who are rejoicing.  Except when I don’t.

Yeah.  You know what I mean, don’t you?

I was in the middle of a good pout when the young man’s message arrived the other night.  I’ve been in the middle of the pout for awhile now.  Call it what you want—depressed, sad, unhappy, disappointed—it’s still a pout.

Things aren’t going the way I want.  Perhaps more to the point, life isn’t working out the way I’d planned.  It seems the road map I was following was a little flawed.

woman-1006100_640Sometimes, when your soul feels heavy and is burdened down, you simply want to be left alone with your misery.  And yet, when that beam of light shines into your darkness, the reaction is automatic and instantaneous.

I stood in the light with the joyful young man and I smiled.

Joy spills over.

It does. But sometimes the beam of light is short-lived and the joy fades into the gloom of disappointment once more.

I sat with another young man this afternoon and unburdened my soul.  I thought he needed to know—and oddly enough, he seemed to want to know—what I was feeling.  Tears were in my eyes when I looked up again.  Looking into his eyes, I saw tears in them, too.

Weep with those who weep. (Romans 12:15)

Do you understand the power in those words?

I do.  Now.

I looked at his tears and was reminded that it hasn’t been many months since his tears were shed over the tiny body of a still-born baby.  He (and his sweet wife) are grieving still and will for years to come.  We spoke of that also and the tears came again.

Sorrow shared is a burden lightened.

Sorrow shared is a burden lightened. Weep with those who weep. Click To Tweet

The day will come when we will celebrate the end to all sorrows and disappointments.  No more separation.  No more loss.  No more death.

The day will come.  It’s not here yet.

Today, we walk this world of mixed joys and regrets, victories and defeats.  Our celebrations are tempered with foreboding of dark times yet to come.

I wonder.

The Teacher instructed His followers to walk in love for each other and promised that, as a consequence, they would give witness of His great love to a watching world. (John 13:34,35)

Surely He intended that to be done in the center of the world’s marketplace and not only in their cloistered meeting places.

He never suggested it would be the rule in mortuaries, but not on the street corners.

If it is to be witnessed, it must be done in public places. 

We rejoice.  We grieve.

Fellowship along both paths touches our spirits with His love.

Tonight, I’m smiling.

Through tears.

 

 

 

Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being.
(Albert Schweitzer ~ French-German theologian ~ 1875-1965)

 

For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
(Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 ~ NLT)

 

 

 

 

© Paul Phillips. He’s Taken Leave. 2016. All Rights Reserved. 

Unlikely Heroes

In the cover of darkest night, the old man weeps.  Alone, he cries until no more tears will come, and still the sobs torment his body.

The time was when he couldn’t shed a single tear.  When very little seemed to touch his heart.  Except harsh reality.  Retribution and reward.  Hard work.

That was before.

So many who walked beside him have gone on ahead now.

oldmandespairStill he walks.  Nearly alone now.

Once, he saw the road ahead clearly.  Almost, it seems, the light of their presence helped to make the way plain for miles ahead.

Bereft of that light, he hasn’t abandoned the way.

And yet, almost as if their presence in his life still yields a flickering beam of candlelight, his dimming eyes can make out the road ahead.  Just barely.

Heroic acts can do that, you know.  Something of their aura clings to the hero.

And yes, I called him a hero.  Many who are never acknowledged as such perform the acts of heroes daily.

No.  Not the type of hero feats performed on the battlefield, nor even those accomplished in lifesaving acts on mountainsides or in the depths of dark waters.

The acts of a hero are sometimes simply to live as one promises to live, to act as one has sworn to act, to stay when one has given his word to stay.

The old man has done all that, and more.  Ofttimes, the hero is a wife, or a mother, or a brother.

We don’t talk about it.  Perhaps it is part of our contract with the young and energetic, but we don’t speak of the ultimate cost.

Maybe we should.

The young home health specialist was obviously uncomfortable as I spoke with him about it the other day.  But then again, he may not be all that young—simply younger than I.  Still, he was reluctant to speak the words.

I asked him if the situations in which he found himself daily were surprising or uncomfortable for him.  He chose his words carefully.

“I love home health work.  Still, there are things that go on in those homes that you wouldn’t believe.  Horrible, painful things.  And, beautiful things.

Refusing to name the horrible, painful things, he instead described folks who take care of their loved ones from daybreak to nighttime and, many times, on through the night.  Their tasks are dirty and uncomfortable.  The regularity with which they are called upon to perform the tasks is constant, with no end in sight.

The years stretch out ahead.  Still, they stay.

I marvel.  In part, I marvel at the hardships that await at the end of our lives, or sometimes surprisingly, early in them.  More than that, I marvel at the audacity of someone who would willingly attend such events.

Still, we don’t speak aloud of the hardships, especially to the young.

I was present at a wedding the other evening.  It was beautiful—the bride, gorgeous and so happy.  The groom, a young man I have known since he was a small boy, beamed from ear to ear with his beautiful young wife hanging on his arm.  And, so he should.

Youth is a heady time of life.  Indestructible and self-confident, no hint of hardship fazes us.  Bring it on!  We can handle anything!  Anything.

The Lovely Lady and I hugged the beautiful young bride and her handsome husband, as I joked that the wedding had gone perfectly.

“That was the easy part.  Now comes the hard stuff.”

The words came from my mouth lightly.  The pair acknowledged the veracity of my statement, perhaps a little more seriously than I intended.  But, the innocence in their beaming faces gave evidence that their young minds had not yet imagined the path their promises on that night will lead them upon.

And, perhaps that’s the way it should be.  Love, if it is indeed love, is a journey beside one another—a growing together, a gathering consciousness of shared joys and pains; of approaching illnesses that will change life for both.

Still, I wonder.  When the young begin their journey together, we throw huge, extravagant parties—celebrations of good intentions, of great hopes.

And when, after years of walking with those one loves and interminable nights of performing unspeakable tasks because of that love, the shared journey comes to an end, there is no celebration whatsoever.

The hero is unsung.  The herculean task of caring for the person one loves is passed over as if it never happened.

It happened.

It happened.

Somehow though, it seems incongruous to celebrate in the face of sorrow and pain.  I wonder if it’s a stretch to think that perhaps, there’ll be a special place of honor for these heroes at the wedding feast of the Lamb.  (Revelation 19:8-9)  After all, who understands marriage better among mankind than those who have fulfilled their oaths to the last breath?

But then again, I think the words of praise from the Lord as he’s welcomed into heaven will be celebration enough.

Well done!  You’ve been a good, faithful servant.  It’s time for you to rest. (Matthew 25:21)

Promises kept build the character of a man.  Debts paid strengthen the integrity of the person.

The old man stood on my porch last weekend and, barely holding back the tears, told me she was gone.  After sixty-six years, he is alone.  

I reminded him of her love for him and his care for her, and he brightened, if only for a moment.  It hadn’t been a storybook marriage, but both had fulfilled their promises.  And then some.

I wish it were time for celebration.  

But, in his room alone, he weeps.

The day is coming.  It is.

The celebration is still ahead.  Crowns will be distributed to the heroes.  And then, offered again to the Hero of Heroes.  

Tears—those evidences of present sorrows that our God counts precious—will by His own hand, be wiped from our eyes.

The old man is waiting for the day.

So am I.

.  

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.
(1 Corinthians 9:24-25 ~ NIV)

 

You will never do anything in this world without courage.  It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor.
(Aristotle ~ Greek philosopher ~ 384 BC-322 BC)

 
© Paul Phillips. He’s Taken Leave. 2016. All Rights Reserved.

An Ill Wind

The little girls rolled on the floor with laughter.

Literally.

The younger one at least, was lying on the carpeted living room floor convulsed with laughter as her grandpa attempted to play his new French horn.  It was her first experience hearing the odd instrument.  She and her sister were having problems with the similarity in sound to a bodily function which I shall not describe here.

The reader may be able to draw his or her own conclusion upon further consideration.

I’d rather they didn’t.

In short, I am the owner of the French horn.  I am also the person who expelled the sounds in question from the bell of said horn.  It was not one of my proudest moments.

There is a description of the horn which is trotted out periodically.  It usually gets a laugh at the expense of the one who manipulates it.

An ill wind that nobody blows good.

I want that not to be true.  I have spent a lifetime in an attempt to dispel the rumor.  Alas, at times each of us who picks up the wayward instrument would have to agree.

An ill wind.
__________

The mind goes wandering.

An ill wind–somehow, I see the red-headed lady who raised me when I think of the words.  It was one of her phrases–one of hundreds.

It’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good.

She explained the meaning to her offspring by reminding them that often, bad things which happen to some people help others.  I’m sure she gave examples.  I don’t remember what they were.

I do remember the wind.

She called it the gulf breeze.  To her, in a land where the temperature was eternally sweltering, the wind blowing off of the Gulf of Mexico, some sixty miles away, was a Godsend.  The sun heated the earth faster than it did the water of the Gulf and the resulting inequity in pressure caused the wind to blow off of the water and into the Rio Grande Valley.  Constantly.

I hated it.

I spent my childhood riding my bicycle in a northerly or southerly direction just to avoid it.  To ride east meant that you fought the wind.  Fifteen to twenty miles per hour it blew.  All day.  Every day.  At least, that is what I remember.

An ill wind, I thought.

To the red-headed lady, salvation from the torture of the unbearable heat.  To this young man, a hardship that would never end.

An ill wind.  That blew good to my mother.

I will admit that I think of that gulf breeze with a different attitude these days.  Oh, I still wouldn’t want to ride against it for very far, but when I remember it, I smile.

Why would I not?

It pleased my mother.
__________

The mind wanders again, and I think about how I make a living.  Frequently, I buy used musical instruments from individuals to sell in my store.  It has supported my habit of eating and sleeping in a bed with a roof over my head for some thirty years.

One might ask how that could be a problem.  Perhaps one example will suffice.

A young lady carried in a saxophone case one day recently.  Her children followed, each carrying another saxophone, except for one of them who had a case in each hand.   Five saxophones in all.  Different sizes–alto, tenor, baritone, and soprano.  There was even a melody sax in the key of C.

An ill wind was blowing on this young lady’s family.  Not only financial want, but the death of her father in recent months, had left them casting about for an answer.

I examined the instruments as she talked about the old man.  My examination was professional and unemotional.  Not so, her monologue.  She was distraught, bereft of her father and her children’s grandfather.  Soon, she would be bereft of his beloved horns.

It was all she could do.  When the ill wind blows, it is futile to attempt to withstand it.

I made her a fair offer; she accepted it and left with tears still in her eyes.

I have profited.

From the ill wind.

The thought gives pause.
__________

I understand the balance which exists.  Mortuaries profit because of the death of our loved ones.  Nurses and doctors are able to pay their bills because we become ill.  Florists thrive because hapless husbands will never understand their wives.

I understand.  Still, I struggle.

Around me, friends are suffering.  Parents have died, or are grappling with the weight of old age and the loss of independence.  Just tonight, a friend shared the sad news that his daughter-in-law passed away today, leaving behind an infant and my friend’s son.  They are sad and confused, wondering what the future holds.

Do you know what it’s like to feel guilty because things are going well?  I look at my friends in their struggles and I tell you, I do.

At these times, it feels wrong to rejoice in the good fortune I am experiencing, while I know others are in the grasp of sadness and pain, and yes, even anger.  But, I’m doing just fine.

And, that makes me feel bad.

I’m not sure that there is a really good answer.  Well, not one which completely satisfies what I want to know, anyway.  But I am, finally, rejoicing with my mother over her gulf breeze.  The time comes when we learn to walk in the shoes of the ones on the other side of the wind.

We rejoice as our friends rejoice.  Our tears flow when theirs do.  The two may occur within moments of each other.  To participate in both is not to live a lie, but to feel empathy and love.  Our Savior did the same.

The ill wind is blowing, but some also benefit.

One ship attempts, unsuccessfully, to sail into the storm and leave port.  Another, battered and beaten by months on the sea, makes its way into the haven, aided by the gale.

The same wind blows.  Ill and good.

I will weep with my friends, as I rejoice at the blessings of a beneficent God.

Weep with those who weep. The day comes when they do the same for us. Click To Tweet

The day will come when they will do the same with me.

We live.  We learn to walk with each other.

The wind keeps blowing. 

 

 

 

To perceive is to suffer.
(Aristotle ~ Greek philosopher ~ 384 BC-322 BC)

Rejoice with those who rejoice.  Weep with those who weep.
(Romans 12:15 ~ ESV)

© Paul Phillips. He’s Taken Leave. 2014. All Rights Reserved.